I was driving up to a pumpkin patch with my beautiful three year old son when I got the call. The one I had been waiting for. After many years of choosing to stay at home with the kids, I was returning to full time work. As I strode up to the farm with my curly haired boy tears rolled down my cheeks. This life I can tried so hard to orchestrate a certain way was coming to an end. This might be the last pumpkin patch.
And so began one of the longest, strangest, hardest years of my life. Not a bad year. Bad is the wrong word. Hard is the right word. Hard because my identity was, I thought, reversing. In truth I was just adding a piece to it, like an accessory on a carefully selected outfit. But at the time it felt like a whole new face. I didn't know who I was anymore.
All I ever wanted to be was a mother. I had no room in my life for any other ambitions. I had dreams, and they all involved a houseful of children, pots of soup, aprons, and visits to the pumpkin patch. What I wasn't counting on was that my 1950s mentality didn't mesh with the 2000s economy. And that I wasn't as good at the whole housekeeping gig as I might have originally believed. That ultimately, I felt trapped.
Everything folded together like a deck of cards being expertly shuffled. The choice was right. The time was right.
And then, the year started.
And it was HARD.
And it wasn't just the job.
There were two other issues in my personal life that cropped up at the same time. And I felt completely silenced.
Obviously, I wasn't totally silenced. Those near and dear to me got an earful. But social media was too public for the type of situations I found myself in.
This might sound funny to people, but for a social media lover like myself, it was very difficult to go from documenting most of my thoughts via twitter to feeling like I couldn't say anything about the things that I was ruminating over in my heart.
I wish I could say more now, but I am honestly still frightened of summoning some of the negativity I was faced with.
So I am just hoping to start this new year with a new voice.
A restricted voice, but we all know that boundaries are what give birth to creativity.
In the meantime, let me leave you with this Clickhole article that pretty much sums up how I feel about my blog the last year.