For several days now I have been finding capless markers strewn about my house. Most of them have lost their tips, and I was beginning to wonder if I had some sort of strange Chupacabra like creature stalking the Crayolas. Something that feeds on washable ink and enjoys gnawing on felt.
My instincts were spot on, except for the mythical creature part. My 1 year old daughter Alice was recently discovered with blue hands, blue spots on her dress and a sweet, blue tinged smile, holding a turquoise marker that had been decapitated. And for the next forty-eight hours I changed approximately 8 diapers that were a frightening shade of kelly green.
When I was a child green poop meant one thing. Purple Kool-Aid. Something about purple food coloring always wreaked havoc on our digestive tracts and we wound up with poop the color of pea soup. This color was far more vivid. It would be right at home on an 80s wet-look mermaid-skirted bridesmaid dress.
As I wiped my daughter's turquoise-tinged bottom so many times that day I knew this moment needed to be recorded for posterity. Poop happens. It's an integral part of parenting and a source of great humor. So, if you are not a fan of toilet humor then I do apologize. You might want to stop reading now.
Right now Linus is really obsessed with poop. I read in a potty training book that it is completely normal for a child to describe his or her bowel movements in great detail, but that still did not prepare me for his "Baby Jesus in the Swadding Clothes Poop." In retrospect I probably should have salvaged that one and sold it on eBay. He has also lovingly shown me a Mama Bear and Baby Bear, and a poop that truly was shaped like a Mouth, as well as a myriad of snakes and letters of the alphabet. It's gotten to the point where I have started mentally describing my own bowel movements. I very nearly called Jarvis in to show him the wonderful J I had made, but I stopped myself in time.
One of Linus's favorite toys is a skinned male torso that sits next to the children's encyclopedias. (Incidentally, this is one of my favorite baby shower gifts ever, from my dear Fritzi, who knows better than anyone how much I'd prefer a human anatomical model over another rattle any day.) This torso comes with cards that describe various internal organs and when you insert them into the torso said organ lights up. I explained to my boys what each organ was and what it did. Now Linus loves to grab the visible man and bark like a cigar-smoking gangster "YA WANNA KNOW WHERE THE POOP IS?" He then inserts a card that makes the small intestine light up like a neon sign at a tapeworm diner. "THEEEEEERE'S the POOP!."
Of course, Jarvis has also had his share of poop moments in years past, such as the day Hugh found him calmly sticking a toy flute into his diaper and smearing the contents on the living room floor. He then looked up and said rather matter-of-factly "I have poo-poo." Yes. Yes you do.
My most disgusting poop story also comes from Jarvis. I'm not sure I need to reproduce it here. Let's just say that when you are changing a newborn it's important to remember the word "explosive" applies, and changing diapers naked is never a good idea.