When I look back upon this last year of my life, I am amazed at the juxtaposition of events. I feel it has been either feast, or famine. The Lord gave, and the Lord took away. While I struggle to understand the purpose in the things I have had, and lost, one thing has become clear to me. I can be no one other than who I am, and no one other than the woman I am called to be. In the process of learning this, I have been wounded. People I have trusted have used my confidences against me, and taken my admissions of weakness and used them as ammunition. There is perhaps no one more aware of my foibles than my own self, but to see every aspect of my character splattered like roadkill was devastating, to say the least. There has been weeping and gnashing of teeth.
I am trying not to dwell, but every time this pregnancy knocks me down physically, I feel the nagging again. I'm not good enough, or strong enough, to do the things I want to do. The things I have always envisioned myself doing. ThisÂ bitterness has soaked into me and I'm having trouble removing the stench from my life.
I'm a certified oddball. This I know, and this I am comfortable with. I can't be anything but. I do things outside the norm, not to make a statement, but because I feel profoundly uncomfortable doing anything else. Obviously, this does not extend to all areas of my life, but in the way I raise my children there are definite glaring differences between me and the rest of society at large. I'm fine with that. But it pains me that I can live and let live, and there are those who cannot extend me the same courtesy.
But on this journey, I have learned that it does not matter what others say. It's important to listen to the opinions of people you love and trust, but you have to be able to seperate the wheat from the chaff. And it's also important to know that there are those in this world who, perhaps unintentionally, will strive to do nothing but bring you down. Because of this baby I am nurturing in my womb, my hormones are running too high for me to do anything but avoid these confrontations.
So I have been trying to hear the voice of God in a way that was not as relevant to me a few months ago. And through the advice of encouraging people who have my best interests at heart, I can hear his voice again. And it says to me "Whom God Calls, He Also Equips." This idea is supported by scripture, and daily I am reminded that we do not war against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers.
There is an attacker, but there is also a rescuer. And he who called me to motherhood, and all the choices that go with it, will not leave me unarmed. As long as I continue to listen for his voice, and his alone, I will have the strength to do extraordinary things, things that make no sense to the outside. But I'm not here to make sense to anyone else.