Stars in my Pocket

Sometimes it's hard for me to speak my desires, because of the belief I have, deep down, that I don't deserve good things. But I know my husband does, and whether or not my kids DESERVE good things doesn't matter because my heart just erupts with the desire to gift wrap the entire world and put it in their grubby little hands. So while I have trouble pushing forward in this world because I believe in contentment and gratitude for every small comfort in this life, I still want to shoot for the moon for those that I love. This is a new year, and instead of making resolutions I thought I might make this the year of dreams coming to fruition, of opening doors. I have stored up many things and pondered them in my heart. I know that I can't control the future, I can merely adjust my attitude towards what comes my way and try to do what is right.  But I'm praying for big things. Praying that if I am faithful with a few things I can someday be entrusted with more, and that I can turn around and give that more back to the world.

So here's a list of wishes and dreams I've been carrying around in my pocket. They are burning a hole back there...they want to be flung out so they can shine like stars in the sky.  I'm tired of sitting on my dreams. Perhaps by speaking them I can give them a place to glow.

My first dream is for my husband. He's a good provider, a hard worker who rarely complains. For eight years he has toiled at a job that seemed too good to be true when he started, and as it turns out, it was. Things went downhill. He works incredibly hard, especially for his salary, and rarely gets the recognition he deserves or adequate compensation. Three years ago he took a big risk when he went back to school to get a degree in accounting, working full time and going to class at night with his wife and three young children at home. But he made it through, and now we are in that scary place of trying to find a new position for him.

My guy does not like change. That's one of the things that makes him a great husband. He is content, all he wants is his home and his family. So this is a hard transition for him...to try and find something utterly new, to push out of his comfort zone. But that is my dream for him. To recognize that he is worth far more than he gives himself credit for. Shoot for the moon, my darling, you deserve it.

My next dream is for my family. We have lived in our home 5 years. It has been good to us. It's comfortable enough, and I certainly can't complain about it. But since our latest addition joined our family in March I can see that our time here is running out. When you choose to have a big family it helps to have the space to house them all. And while technically we could mash some things around I feel that we have outgrown our starter home, and I'm ready to move on. I dream of a large house, close to nature, where my children can run and we can all spread out. A place we can call our forever home.

But I'm not sure we can reach that forever home without a little help from me. See, this college drop-out has a dream of her own. And you are looking at it. From the time I was a small child God spoke two things to me. One, that I would be a mother and two, that I would write. How amazing, to have two goals that are not mutually exclusive! I am grateful that my talents lie in a place that will keep me close to the hearth and surrounded by my babies, at least most of the time. It is my prayer that this year will find me back on track with a writing career that is going places. I pray that I will be diligent, and that I will continue to find my audience, my voice, and the occasional paying gig. And that someday this little hobby won't be a hobby anymore.

I have one more dream, and yes, it's all tied up in the green, and that's for my kids. I long for them to have opportunities that I didn't always get. I'm praying for dance lessons for my little girl, and some form of sports discipline for her bros, and some home-school enrichment classes. And, that's it really. They have enough clothes and toys (maybe they could use a haircut more often...naaaaw.)

I'm sure if my kids were helping me write this they would also ask for a dog.

So there it is...the humble longings of a Southern Indiana Housewife. I want to believe that somewhere, there is a star for me to hitch my wagon to. And until then, I'll keep peeling those potatoes, typing, and dreaming.