It's helpful to know your triggers.
It's helpful to know that, when you aren't in the market for a new home and you have been brainstorming the cheapest and smartest way to make the home you own as livable as possible, that it's not the best idea to click when your friend posts a link to a house for sale.
But, yeah. I'm not very smart.
I was doing well. Calling the bank, calling plumbers and electricians, making plans to make our house the best home it can be for the longest amount of time. We were going to make it WORK, baby! I was confident and excited and then...
My friend posted a link to a house for sale. On the west side. In a good school district. On two acres. With three bedrooms. An office. A bonus room. A LAUNDRY ROOM (I dream of such a place.) And the kitchen...a glorious kitchen! Huge with beautiful cabinets and painted a sunny, soft yellow. .Not to mention a fireplace and a master suite and blah blah blah...it was a freaking palace. And the price was good, for what it was offering.
Totally out of our price range. Completely. Not even close. And we aren't in the position to buy or sell anyway.
It didn't keep me from dreaming. And then crying. And dreaming. And crying.
Way to take Hugh on an emotional roller coaster! First your wife wants to spend way too much money renovating the house you have, then she wants to spend money that doesn't even EXIST on a completely NEW house! I should be very grateful he hasn't become an alcoholic simply to cope with listening to me talk.
There's an exercise I keep trying to perform. You might know it by it's classic term "Count your blessings." It's a hymn. It's a song by Irving Berlin, too. It's something I come back to, day in and day out. It's something I fail at, and succeed it, daily. Hourly.
So here we go. Again.
I have a clothes dryer that spews lint all over the kitchen, and the door is held with duct tape.
I have a clothes dyer. It dries my clothes.
I have an ugly, dysfunctional kitchen. The layout is completely wonky, the flooring is terrible, and everything is old and junky looking.
I have a kitchen. It has a really nice stove and refrigerator, and I just got the mother-of-all food processors for Christmas. I've made lot of good meals in there, and I'm not about to stop now!
I have an old house that is too small. It needs a lot of work.
I have a house that keeps the rain and snow off our heads, provides us a place to play and sleep and eat.
My husband needs a different job.
My husband has a job. And he has prospects. He's working his way. Slowly but surely.
I have four sloppy kids who drive me mental.
I have four beautiful kids who are creative and intelligent and growing in compassion and maturity daily.
I don't have enough money.
I have some money.
I have enough to eat. I'm healthy. I have options.
I have the support of family and friends and the medical community. I am not alone.
There. That felt better.