When I started this blog, I was a specific type of person. A stay at home mom. A homeschooler. Moderate to conservative. I wanted a houseful of kids and I figured eventually I'd get really good at housekeeping and teaching and caring for my kids. Eventually the picture I had in my mind of the person I was would mesh with my real life. I'd be me, only better.
But I didn't stay that person, and neither can my blog represent it. I'm growing up...my voice is changing.
I wanted to be a persona. I've always relished being real, transparent. But only so far. I really wanted to be that version of myself at the top of the blog (I was dressed for a parade when that picture was taken, for a job I was eventually fired from, for being too opinionated.) But that's not the real me. And the old Mammacake isn't me either. I have discovered there are things that are deeply important to me, and I didn't have an outlet for what I wanted to talk about. And I didn't know what to do. Start a new blog? Shut and stop worrying about it? No answer I could come up with could possibly satisfy me. And I finally realized what I needed to do, so I am doing it.
Mammacake is part of my identity, in all of it's parts and forms. Maybe it wasn't fully baked years ago, and maybe we'll have to work on the toppings a bit. The recipe might always be changing. But that's ok. This is my platform. And I have a right to tell the truth in my own space.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm 34 years old.
My husband is Hugh. He's funny and smart and he deserves a million times what I can offer him, and is ready for his ship to come in. He's worked hard enough.
I am the mother of four bright, beautiful children I do not deserve, but thoroughly enjoy (mostly.)
I have struggled with "mental illness" my entire life, and am trying to put together what parts are environmental and what parts are inborn. So far, I am recognizing the body/mind connection is strong, and to stay mentally healthy you HAVE to be physically healthy.
I love gay people. And mormons.
I'm an abuse survivor.
I'm a lactivist and and intactivist.
I will probably never get over my homeschooling failure.
I'm a stay at home mom who never finished college, and every day I question the decisions that put me in this position.
I'm a progressive Christian, which is like living in no-man's land. It's very lonely and scary here.
I have a vast collection of 80s earrings.
I listen to Loretta Lynn over the dishpan.
I don't own a dishwasher. I don't much like that fact.
But I do like thinking, and writing, and having someone listen.