It's amazing what a little encouragement can do.
The life I have been pulled into, kicking and screaming, is finally starting to settle with me. This idea that I have something to offer, that there is a plan and a purpose, that things are slowly pulling together. I'm not just spinning around on this marble for nothing.
People have been giving me ideas. Crazy, life changing ideas. And I've been saying yeah, maybe, instead of NO. And I DON'T WANT TO and WHY IS THAT MY JOB?
And in this process of listening and saying yes, I have learned to accept these three things.
1. I am meant to have an audience.
This is something I struggle with because EVERYONE I know is an introvert. Every lovely, good person who is my best friend or husband or mother or someone I greatly admire is the opposite of me, which makes me believe their goodness COMES from being my opposite. Every time I see a person make a different choice or decision than the kind I would make it makes me second guess myself...are my choices bad? No. Just different. I have to accept the fact that I am intense, and that if I was surrounded by people just like me I'd probably want to commit murder. Not because I am so murder-able but because...enough is as good as a feast, right? I'm enough.
These introverts I surround myself with are my audience, and I love them. I love Facebook. I love phone calls to quiet people who let me chatter a mile a minute. I love giving birth in a room STUFFED with supportive woman who are all looking at me naked and stretch-marked and giving me loads of encouragement and feeding me juice cubes. I don't feel alone in a crowd. I feel 100% at home. I like being the bride, being the one the shower is for, giving a speech, walking the red carpet. I don't feel awkward or wish I was invisible. Most people are not like that, or at least most of my friends. But I have to embrace it. I require an audience, and that is not a bad thing, or a character flaw. It's just the side of the fence I land on.
2. I don't have to follow my friends.
My entire life I have been attempting to attach myself to some group or best friend or person who would make me whole. I could write a book about how many bad decisions I have made this way. Even friends who I love and would lay down my life for have take a tumble off their pedestal at least once because of the unrealistic expectations I lay on them. Do things my way. Read my mind. Make me happy. And while simultaneously being an emotional dictator I was also being a wounded puppy dog. My best friend gets a job at Lic's Ice Cream, I get a job at Lic's Ice Cream. She leaves for a job at Donut Bank, I get fired. She moves to Nashville, I try to move there off and on for years. Give it up. I love my friends, especially my best one, but we live in a digital age. And more importantly, I don't need a crutch. I can make friends. I make new ones everywhere I go. I was born to lead, not to follow. Recognizing that power in myself, that I can and have been an influence for good, has transformed me. It's impossible to be insecure when people walk up and tell you how your life has impacted theirs. And seeing people respond and open up like flowers to your light is humbling and powerful and thrilling. I'm glad I didn't recognize it before, because I might have abused it.
3. Shoot for the moon.
I always, always shoot too low. I remember when I tried to get a job at Wendy's. They simply refused to hire me, even though they needed someone. The girl they did hire was barely sentient and extremely backwards. I gave up on fast food after that, went downtown to a local hotspot with wonderful food, lush decor, and a classic, modern aesthetic. I was hired on the spot, and by the time I left I had learned four different positions in the restaurant.
I've tried small. I've involved myself in so many things that were small scale but felt big to me...and I limited myself to these things. And they never worked out. But it never made me feel like I was in over my head...it was more that I was trying to be content with something that did not have a large enough scope. If I told you some of the things I have failed at, and why, it would sound ridiculous, like I'm bragging. But it's the kind of thing I feel in some kind of awe about. I have always felt like there was something propelling me forward. So I'm done thinking small. I'm ready to go big or go home.
And I'm not going back home.