This is what is known as a mess.
Lots of fail today. I burnt three of my fingers on a cast iron skillet by attempting to grab it bare-handed AFTER I had just taken it out of drying in the oven. Then I decided that I'd like to try Zumba again. And I also decided to take my six year old daughter with me, because #1 she is a better person than me in every single way, and recently voluntarily did a beginners yoga video for 45 minutes and #2 I needed someone who is worse at Zumba than me to take the attention off.
I threw some chicken in the oven at a low temperature, threw some rice in the rice cooker, and headed out for the afternoon. Linus had ukulele lessons at the library, where Felix decided to pee on the floor. Then Alice and I went to Zumba, where I spent the first half trying to keep her from bumping into adults (it was much more crowded than previous times) and she spent the second half sitting on the floor playing Peggle on my phone.
When I came home I started rushing to make the sauce that was going to go over the chicken and rice. I recently decided to experiment with gluten free cooking. I adapted my favorite enchilada recipe by using masa harina (corn flour) instead of all-purpose flour and I decided to serve the chicken and sauce over rice instead of in a flour tortilla. The sauce was turning out really well, so I turned my attention to the rice in the rice cooker.
My plan was to make my favorite lime cilantro rice for extra kick. It’s called Guy’s Mambo Rice. I should have known Guy Fieri wasn’t my good luck charm.
My first mistake was trying to use my rice cooker like my friend Jeannie. Her husband is half Korean, and so rice is one of the most important staples in their house. Jeannie has perfected the art of just LOOKING at her rice cooker and putting in the right amount of water. So for some reason I thought I could do that too.
I am not sure how much extra water it takes to turn rice from individual grains into a large, pasty mass, but however much it is I had discovered it. I tried stirring in the ingredients anyway and it just got worse, and worse. I had made dough. Rice dough.
As I stood there trying to figure out what to do next I had a sudden brainstorm. What if I added all the ingredients to the rice, patted it out and fried it in the skillet? It would be golden and crunchy on the outside. Like a hashbrown.
I heated the cast iron skillet, added the cold oil and then mushed some rice into ovals in the skillet. I was told recently that a hot skillet and cold oil would keep the food from sticking. It had been working great for me.
I firmly believe if the rice bombs hadn’t stuck to the skillet they would have turned out really well. I scraped up some of the rice that stuck and indeed, it was golden and crunchy, unlike the oil soaked rice mush that I wound up serving to everyone for dinner.
At first, it seemed like they might go for it. Linus objected to the onions, but he always does that. Then, Alice spit her food on her place. Jarvis complained. Felix followed suit. Alice and Felix wound up eating Chobani Dragonfruit yogurt instead.
Hugh went to Jimmy John’s. And brought me a Hershey’s with Almonds. King Size. Out of pity.